Parenting is no game ...

We picked up my seventh grade son from a math competition where he placed second for individual and third for the group. I asked him to what he attributes his success and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he stuck his fingers in his nose to keep the thoughts from escaping and, wisely, he did not answer.

I think I have a fairly good idea of how he spends his time. He attends school and performs pretty well in terms of grades, test scores, behavior and citizenship; does chores, watches television, reads a great deal outside of school requirements and spends about thirty hours playing online computer games. For the past few months, it has been League of Legends. Before that, it was Team Fortress 2. Next, I think it will be Monster Hunter Tri. He had an opportunity to play that at the Nintendo booth of the comics convention we attended last weekend.

Most parents would think that this is too much time for computer gaming for children, one of which would be my wife. My thoughts are that he is not hanging out, tying up a phone or burning up minutes or bringing over hoodlums to eat up the food and tear up the place. Most of the time, I sit right next to him, on my computer, writing, surfing, working or playing while we talk, joke and interact throughout the evening.

We have an adult son as well and I am still trying to figure out this parenting thing. But I continue to follow certain principles. I provide structure so they know where the boundaries lie, what they are allowed to do and warnings that certain choices they make can place them outside of my ability to help. I give them support to do the things they want to do after they've done what they have to do first and provide whatever resources I have or sacrifices I need to make to support them. And they get supervision as I inform them what they can do, make certain that they are able to do it and watch them as they do it. It is no easy task.

Children, especially young black males, need to be surrounded by many layers of protective factors. As a student of my surroundings, I watch and listen and see that most of the time, we are the architects of our own chaos and engineers to our own destruction. Early on, I learned that engagement in technology would keep me out of a lot of trouble and, so far, it's done OK by me and mine.

When you’re smiling … the whole world aims at you.

My wife and I went to a neighborhood popcorn shop this week. I held the door for her, walked in and looked around at their offerings. There was a slice of red velvet cake that I gravitated towards. Thoughts of the exercise I should be doing and the calories presented before me prevailed so I continued to just look. Karen found what she wanted, made her purchase and we left the store.

She then asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing was wrong. She informed me that a store clerk looked at me cautiously and told me that I could be that I don’t smile. I agreed, I don’t smile much but I do make it a point to smirk several times daily and guffaw at least three times daily.

What followed was a lecture from her about how I don’t look happy, others say I don’t look happy, my scowl is so unattractive, ad nauseam. I explained that, in the several times that she mentioned this, I have made great efforts to present a cheerful countenance throughout the day.

And then I began to reflect. I used to smile a lot until third grade when Henry Crawford punched me and knocked out my tooth. I didn’t smile as much but I tried until after I ran a foot race with fifth grade classmates, Lance Campbell tripped me and I chipped a front tooth which needed capping.

No more smiling for me. What I needed was a game face that I would don before I leave home every morning. Throughout the years, I made some adjustments here and there but I still carry it around.

Now I know that I don’t really need the game face as much. I also know that it takes more muscles to frown than smile; people gravitate toward others that have a “winning smile” and smiling releases endorphins which help to prolong life spans. My personal experiences are with others who smile while they sharpen their blades, probe and stab at soft spots and tell you “this will only hurt a little bit.”

“Do as you would be done by” is the Golden Rule and creed that I live by and I believe that everyone is capable of doing kind and noble acts. But as we know, many live by “he who has the gold makes the rules” and run over the disenfranchised, dejected and depressed among us. I believe this is what I carry around on my face.

I want my share of endorphins. I want to live longer. But I will not be a victim to the conquerors and tyrants among us.

Gather up thy sword and shield ...

I love crisis work. In the workplace, whenever I hear any kind of commotion, instead of going in the opposite direction, I stroll into the hornet's nest, offer help where I can or get out of the way, careful not to get stung.

Personally, I greet conflict like a herd of buffalo. I sidestep the thundering issues or retreat from the stampeding situations until the other party stops advancing. I pull out my vast mediation and negotiation skills to manage the confrontation but forget that 1) I cannot be impartial if I am one of the aggrieved parties and 2) others don't necessarily fight fairly. I'll take a non-aggressive stance and take a verbal sucker punch, emotional low blow or rehashed body slam. In the back of my mind, I know I am capable of giving as good as I get by shouting, cursing, stomping, name calling and saying hurtful things but know that things have a tendency to boomerang and I strive to treat others as I would want to be treated. Regardless, sidestepping or retreating is frequently seen as surrender or cowardice.

Crises and conflict usually appear when there are power and control issues, even if those issues are only perceptual. Power and control has always been low on my list of needs or desires. Alas, as I grow grayer and hopefully wiser, I now realize that many things you must fight for in order to protect your peace-of-mind. I stand my ground for those things that are important, even if only to me. At this point, I don't necessarily expect to win every skirmish but will resist valiantly.

You Can't Have Your Cake and Hide it Too.

Although Rick Telander of the Chicago Sun Times put the Tiger Woods' situation better than anyone I've heard or read so far in this article, I gonna offer my two pence anyway.

The majority of us live simply and are consequential only to our friends, families, colleagues and the Master Planner. We all have public and private faces that we manage with whatever moral or ethical codes we carry. Others aspire to greatness in various forms of public displays for the fame, wealth, influence or any combination of the former.

Any investment manager will tell you, the greater the risk, the greater the reward. If you choose the public life for the rewards, you also choose the risks.

The difference between those in the public eye and those of you like me is when we screw up, there is a plop and a ripple affecting those in our relatively small spheres of influence. Public figures, when they choose poorly, make a huge splash and everyone ends up getting wet.

In Tiger's case, everyone but Elin. She is a smart one and clearly understood her investment. Seven figures immediately transferred to her sole account, a renegotiation of her 10 year, $20 million marriage/ prenuptial contract so that she earns more to stay married for less time. Make no mistake, when your life is linked to a public figure, you have so much more to lose than they do unless you have your own thing detached and independent of your public cash cow.

Do the right thing, Tiger. Be contrite, be wiser, be the image you're well paid to be or begone.

Tragedy and Closure, Part Three

In the spirit of keeping things simple, I have only two words about the Fort Hood tragedy - workplace violence.

And moving along, we Chicagoans have lost a powerful and spirited voice in Michael Scott. He had been fighting the good fight and I had been privileged to work with him in the early nineties in North Lawndale as a member of the Westside Association for Community Action (WACA). He truly will be missed.

What deeply concerns me is the coroner's report, decided quickly and, to me, without adequate investigation, that he committed suicide. Many of the signs make that likelihood improbable.

First, it is important to understand that people have tendencies to do what is expedient and convenient before they will consider what is right or just. Suicides, from a criminal investigation perspective, are expedient and convenient. Victim and murderer at the crime scene, all tied with a yellow ribbon. Case closed.

But here is a man who was deeply committed to his family and his community and, had organized an event that he would host in two days. Suicidal folks generally do not plan or thing about their future, unless planning to make sure that those left behind are cared for. There are too many inconsistencies to ignore.

Why such a public place? Why now? Was this a message to someone?

My thoughts and prayers go out to his immediate family. But, to many, the westside of Chicago is brother Scott's family.

Do you work in a barn?

As they say, first impressions are lasting. Most will attest to the fact that customer services can be the most pleasant and helpful or abrasive and frustrating experiences known to man. There is usually little gray area. From the employee perspective, either you enjoy what you do, what you provide and respect customers or you don't and won't attend to their needs because you can't keep your eyes off the clock.

Most of us know how to behave when we get poor customer service - we ask for a manager, file a grievance, get loud or give back what we received. Those who are vulnerable and have difficulty managing themselves,their families or their immediate situations do not have the knowledge, energy or ability to advocate for themselves and end up being steamrolled by the very systems established to help -iatrogenic care.

As an intake worker for four non-profits, three for-profits and one governmental agency and, of these, three community mental health agencies, three hospitals, one addiction treatment center and a county probation department - front-end service delivery winds up dead last in importance. Without exception, it is most poorly run, underutilized, understaffed, exploited and inadequately funded department found in organizations. The reasons are many and simple - intake functions do not fit neatly into clinical, administrative or financial domains and do not consistently produce billable activity that can be pored over or bean counted. Not recognizing its value is akin to leaving your front door open because it doesn't wash your clothes, chill or heat your food, entertain your guests or feed your family. But a good, solid front door helps with heating and cooling expenses and provides some measure of privacy and security, not to mention a host of other supports.

I have spent my entire career advocating for greater support for front line workers in mental health settings and have been largely ignored. A few years ago, a group of university professors at the University of Wisconsin-Madison got a clue and established the Network for the Improvement of Addiction Treatment (NIATx) to reduce waiting times and no-shows while increasing admissions and treatment retention. Organizations and providers would do well to check out the great work they have been doing with applying process improvement to the helping profession and utilizing proven solutions to identified challenges.

Now, go show your front door some love. Unless you've decided you didn't need it after all.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You ... Injured.

Each of us is scarred in some form or fashion. Me, I kind of pick at my wounds daily to open up the old wounds and remind myself how I made it this far. Don't get me wrong, I am not miserable. In fact, far from it. I realize that things are not as they seem. It just gets hard convincing others that there is more to life than pushing things off your lap on to another's plate.

Healthy doses of fantasy keeps me sane. Reading and daydreaming help me to manage insane tasks in an insane world. And I can thank my parents for recognizing the benefits of interactive media.

As a shy child, I preferred books, video gaming and computers to social outings. Interactive media, as opposed to non-interactive media like books, movies, music and the like, gave me opportunities to go where I've never been, do what seemed impossible and create in limitless ways. I still have fond memories of the political intrigue in Spycraft and CyberJudas, time travel in Millenia: Altered Destinies, dungeon adventuring in Darkstone and the car combat of Interstate '76.

That was so long ago and the platforms, technology and sophistication of interactive media is now so impressive and affordable. And I understand some of the concern about the objectionable content that appears in a lot of interactive media products.

But, in the grand scheme of things, I would much rather for my child to be using interactive media at home, school or in the community, with friends or responsible adults, in a safe setting rather than hanging out on the sidewalk attracting lead mosquitoes. Drive-bys would be more challenging if there is no one to shoot at.

What we need are community centers, arcades and recreational venues for children and adults to play, learn and have fun sponsored by corporation dollars. If families have opportunties to use interactive media and want products for their home, they should be able to purchase them as subsidized or for a sliding scale. Anything we can do to encourage adults to spend fun and quality time with children should be encouraged, rewarded and subsidized.

Not only will killings, maimings and interrupted futures be reduced, but families will experience realities beyond their neighborhoods, doorsteps and their own noses.